SAH vs. Career

Daily Specs:

Attainable Goal: Clean my house before someone from church arrives with dinner.
Grievance: Big Love has to return to work while in great amounts of pain.
Celebration: Boy Love know the words to Billy Joel's "Piano Man". Not all, but the chorus, anyhow.

Whenever I read a book, watch a show, or spend any sort of time on the internet, I am surrounded by images of mothers with flourishing careers. I greatly admire their ability to do this, have children, and keep their houses in pristine condition, and I am a honestly pretty jealous. I understand that having small children causes many women's careers to take an elongated hiatus. I understand that having a career and children can take away valuable time from family life. I still feel myself envious of the woman who can juggle all these tasks, and still have time to dress like a million bucks, watch every soccer game and dance recital, and bake a chicken pot pie.

Who am I kidding? I know that there are very few women in the world who can do that. I just want to be able to have a career. Heck, I would even take a part-time dead end kind of thing. I just want to work. I have been working since I was 15, and this is the first time in my life since then that I haven't made money. I feel...well...worthless. Monetarily speaking. I feel like a leech, just living off the blood of another person who is capable of making money.

I, of course, have a career plan that I would like to begin someday. I have dreams, ways to get there, and the desire and motivation to do so. But for now I feel like I can't do anything. My family and friends have insisted that I am doing exactly what I should be doing right now. I am supposed to be a mother. Somehow, though, I don't feel like I am doing my part. I don't feel like being a stay-at-home mother is enough. I just want to be able to be a contributing member of society. Is that so much to ask? I consistently find myself on craigslist, perusing the ads for even the most demeaning of jobs, wishing desperately that I had them. Even 10 dollars and hour is still 10 dollars more than we had before, right? How long must I sit here, yearning for a job? A year? 5 years? In the meantime, will I have to resign myself to remaining where I am?

Please understand that I have the utmost respect for stay-at-home mothers. I now know how tough it can be to be a stay-at-home mom, and I understand how one can have a day completely pass you by without having any idea what transpired. If being a stay-at-home mother is what you are called to do, I applaud you for it and wish I was the same way. I just feel like God has planned something different for me. I love being a mother, and will continue to love being a mother for every day of my life. I love having children; cuddling with them, playing with them, teaching them and loving them. My children are amazing works of art, and I know that I have and will learn much about myself in watching them. I also feel, however, that I am called to be a working mother. Not being a working mother right now makes me feel like I am not fulfilling God's plans. This is something I shall continue to pray about; pray for either patience or opportunity.