Thursday, April 30, 2009

SAH vs. Career

Daily Specs:

Attainable Goal: Clean my house before someone from church arrives with dinner.
Grievance: Big Love has to return to work while in great amounts of pain.
Celebration: Boy Love know the words to Billy Joel's "Piano Man". Not all, but the chorus, anyhow.

Whenever I read a book, watch a show, or spend any sort of time on the internet, I am surrounded by images of mothers with flourishing careers. I greatly admire their ability to do this, have children, and keep their houses in pristine condition, and I am a honestly pretty jealous. I understand that having small children causes many women's careers to take an elongated hiatus. I understand that having a career and children can take away valuable time from family life. I still feel myself envious of the woman who can juggle all these tasks, and still have time to dress like a million bucks, watch every soccer game and dance recital, and bake a chicken pot pie.

Who am I kidding? I know that there are very few women in the world who can do that. I just want to be able to have a career. Heck, I would even take a part-time dead end kind of thing. I just want to work. I have been working since I was 15, and this is the first time in my life since then that I haven't made money. I feel...well...worthless. Monetarily speaking. I feel like a leech, just living off the blood of another person who is capable of making money.

I, of course, have a career plan that I would like to begin someday. I have dreams, ways to get there, and the desire and motivation to do so. But for now I feel like I can't do anything. My family and friends have insisted that I am doing exactly what I should be doing right now. I am supposed to be a mother. Somehow, though, I don't feel like I am doing my part. I don't feel like being a stay-at-home mother is enough. I just want to be able to be a contributing member of society. Is that so much to ask? I consistently find myself on craigslist, perusing the ads for even the most demeaning of jobs, wishing desperately that I had them. Even 10 dollars and hour is still 10 dollars more than we had before, right? How long must I sit here, yearning for a job? A year? 5 years? In the meantime, will I have to resign myself to remaining where I am?

Please understand that I have the utmost respect for stay-at-home mothers. I now know how tough it can be to be a stay-at-home mom, and I understand how one can have a day completely pass you by without having any idea what transpired. If being a stay-at-home mother is what you are called to do, I applaud you for it and wish I was the same way. I just feel like God has planned something different for me. I love being a mother, and will continue to love being a mother for every day of my life. I love having children; cuddling with them, playing with them, teaching them and loving them. My children are amazing works of art, and I know that I have and will learn much about myself in watching them. I also feel, however, that I am called to be a working mother. Not being a working mother right now makes me feel like I am not fulfilling God's plans. This is something I shall continue to pray about; pray for either patience or opportunity.

1 comment:

  1. Lauren, Hang in there, Sweetie. It is so hard to understand God's timing. Just have faith that he does have a plan for you. I had the opposite goal and was frustrated by my plans not agreeing with God's Master plan. I was more interested in Motherhood than Career. I wanted to work long enough to get Mike through law school, then get the family started. We adopted MA the same week as our 12th anniversary; and adopted AL the same year of our 20th anniversary.
    I know that you have already heard this, but there is no more important role for you than caring for those sweet babies. You are greatly contributing to society by raising them to someday be sons of the Lord.
    I truly enjoy reading your blog. Love your humor and perspective on the "day-to-day'.