Not just Young at Heart

Daily Specs:

Attainable Goal: Only consume one item from the "Fats and Sweets" category of the food pyramid
Grievance: The "Fats and Sweets" category of food pyramid is too small.
Celebration: I have not yet consumed my one allotted sweet/fat. Hooray for praying for restraint.

Since my last post (two days ago), my mind has been completely focused on restraining from eating too much. So far, I have been marginally successful. However, the thought of excessive eating still plagues my thoughts far more than I wish it to. When Boy Love complained of hunger on the way from church to car, I have to admit I was excited at the excuse to stop for fast food. Unfortunately, I had been an excellent and prepared mother earlier in the morning and packed him some goldfish crackers in his lunch pail. Sad. We no longer had an excuse to eat giant burgers and greasy fries.

Of late I have been noticing my need for immediate gratification. I think much of my issue with food is my lack of patience. When I feel I need something, I need it NOW, and I need it until I am so filled with that thing that I begin to despise it. So really it is a combination of impatience and over-indulgence. Perhaps I am unable to process mentally how much is enough.

For instance, I make this breakfast from time to time that I think is really delicious. Fried potatoes, kielbasa, onion, garlic, and seasonings all mashed up into this single sloppy conglomerate. I know it sounds gross, but it really is quite good. Whenever I make this for Big Love and I (Boy Love only eats anything if it is on his terms), I make enough to feed a small army and max out my frying skillet. After the meal is finished cooking, the smell of sausage and onion and garlic is intoxicating, and it is all I can do to not just grab a giant salad serving fork and have at. But I set the table, wait for everyone to gather, and Boy Love says a prayer. After that, though, it is all downhill. I can eat 2 heaping dinner plates full of this slop, and not even think twice about it. An hour afterward, however, I am kicking myself for my inability to get out of the couch, and blaming it all on the breakfast I couldn't stop myself from conquering.

In further prayer and metal process, I feel like perhaps I have not grown into the woman that I thought I was. I am in no way a lady, but I thought I had matured in leaps and bounds since being blessed with my oldest child. I am aware that my way is not always the only way (even though I'm pretty sure it still may be the best way), my tongue is much more tame than it used to be, and I am no longer the key-holder to all of knowledge. For these few feats, I am proud. But then I find myself doing things that a child would do. Eating like ravenous beast at the first sign of vittles is just a start. My dear, dear husband informed me recently that I chew loudly. This is something I never knew, and I am terribly embarrassed to eat at all now. Eating loudly is something I should have overcome 20 years ago. I also moan and whine like a little baby every time I have to wake up in the middle of the night. I should know better. I am a mother, and was completely aware of the trials of motherhood before I got into it. Also, I over-react to almost everything, which is something I see my two-year-old mimicking. I would expect it from a toddler. Even as old as a teenager. But a mother of two?

Why am I still so young? Contrary to what I believed to be true, having children does not automatically make you the poster child for social graces. Perhaps this is one of those advantages to having children later in life. You have so much more life experiences to teach you how to be a grown-up. Will this youth deter my ability to turn my two boys into men? Am I destined to be that mom that one always looked down on because she was too much like her children? When will I learn to be a adult?